


Downpours, Partly Sunny

by blingyeol



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Bittersweet, Drama, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-05
Updated: 2013-12-05
Packaged: 2018-02-09 13:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1983972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blingyeol/pseuds/blingyeol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That period of struggles that makes us want to give up, we all have it at least once in our life. Not many of us are lucky enough to have a Kim Myungsoo by their side when that happens. Lee Sungjong is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Downpours, Partly Sunny

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nekkajitge](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=nekkajitge).



> written for dashidorawa's Infinite Secret Santa 2013

_"In your deepest pain, in your weakest hour, in your darkest night, you are lovely."_

 

 

Day 1. Mostly cloudy.

Lee Sungjong rolls over to one side and then back to the other, desperate. Bed sheets underneath his sweaty body are all crumpled and damp, making him feel even more uncomfortable than he already is. Cellphone tells him he's past half-way through this sleepless night, only a few hours of sleep left if he still does fall asleep. There's this stubborn side to the boy and he refuses to simply get up. _The sleep will come eventually_ , he tells himself. The strange scorching pain in his chest will disappear too, as soon as sleep invites him in.

Around six in the morning when sun starts shining through the blinds and crawling beneath his closed eyes, Sungjong finally gives up. It isn't the first time he couldn't fall asleep but something is different this time. Stretching his arms and heading to the bathroom lifelessly, he can't stop concenrating on the pain, throbbing deep inside, his heart racing faster than ever.

A cold shower doesn't help much and Sungjong sits there in the spacious living room, taking in the emptiness of the place. It hasn't been long since he moved in here and the place was in dire need of enhancements. A pack of boxes stares at him from the corner behind the TV, the walls are vast and empty. He feels much like those walls, only a great deal less stable.

 _Soo-hyung, you awake?_ Sungjong types slowly and procceeds to stare into the display of his cellphone until a reply appears beneath minutes later.

_Getting ready for work. You're up early._

_Sleepless night_ , explains Sungjong, attaching a tired emoticon. Call me when you can, he adds but hesitates to send the message. Before he can decide whether to send or delete, Myungsoo is calling him. Wearily, Sungjong smiles at the display.

"What's wrong?"

 _Everything is wrong_ , Sungjong thinks. _Somehow_. "Couldn't fall asleep whole night and now I feel completely dead. But it's all right, I'll try to sleep some later."

"I'll stop by after work, ok? I'll text you since you might be sleeping."

 

By the time his cellphone beeps and Myungsoo is at the door, Sungjong tried all sort of things to while away the time that was going by at a painfully slow pace. He went for a walk, hoping some air would be a refreshment, read a school book that was so boring everyone would fall asleep reading it, only Sungjong didn't.

He hugs Myungsoo's body that is still warm from the sun outside, his own heart beating painfully. "Thanks for stopping by."

"Sure," the older boy nods as he pulls away, smiling. "You look terrible though."

Sungjong grins bitterly. "I feel just so."

"Get dressed, we're going out," Myungsoo announces, pulling his arm lightly to guide him into the Sungjong's room as if it was his own. "It's a beautiful day outside, you shouldn't be sitting at home."

Sitting in the half-empty apartment certainly was deadening but so was the vision of running around in the humidly hot summer day. Sungjong feels a sudden reluctance to do absolutely anything. "I don't feel like it," he objects, knowing it's too weak of an argument.

"The sun gotta put a smile on your face." Myungsoo pauses, examining the younger boy's tired eyes with dark circles beneath them. "And if not then I will, hopefully."

They met on a sunny summer day like this, Sungjong reflects as they stroll alongside the river, his feet heavier with every step. The day two years ago was a happier one though. Being a freshman that moved to Seoul only a few weeks back, Sungjong liked to walk through the streets, discover things. That one particular day he discovered Kim Myungsoo, a handsome boy, not much older than himself, deeply concentrated on taking photographs.

It was Yeouido Park where Sungjong decided to go that day, to sit on a bench and read his school notes beneath the sunny sky. His attention drifted away from the notes more often than not and that certain boy taking photos particularly around his bench didn't help much either.

It was Sungjong who spoke up first in the end, partly annoyed and partly curious. Myungsoo said he makes a great model and asked if he'd ever had time for him. Since then being Myungsoo's model and a muse as he used to say became part of Lee Sungjong's life as ordinarily as going to school every day.

"Let's stop for a while." Sungjong's feet feel too heavy to move any further and he sits down on the battered concrete stairs leading into the water.

Myungsoo leans in, tugging his arms around the boy's slender shoulders and kissing him on a cheek, almost coyly. "Feel any better?"

Sungjong wishes he didn't have to shake his head to the question. He feels a lot of things, but certainly not any better. Sun is shining, it's holiday and he has no tasks to do except occassional part-time jobs and there's a boy who loves him sincerely. So why is he feeling as if his little world has been crushed into pieces and drifting away, carried by the river's current.

 

Day 2. Cloudy, rain showers.

After the walk Sungjong managed to fall asleep for seconds, maybe minutes but it felt too short. Myungsoo carried him to his room, as gently as he could so that he wouldn't wake him up. It didn't last long though and the evening wasn't much better.

In the morning of a next day Sungjong glumly stares at the reflection in the mirror, scarcely believing it belongs to him. During the past two days he only slept back when Myungsoo was there and then maybe a couple of more minutes during the night, not more.

That day Sungjong breaks into crying for the first time.

Myungsoo comes over with a plastic bag full of food and DVDs. "I brought some horror movies," he says happily, trying to cheer up the lifeless boy that his boyfriend suddenly turned into.

"I've seen those," Sungjong comments as he rakes through the bag.

"I know you did and I know they're your favourites." Myungsoo smiles, dimples adorning his face. "So which one goes first?"

Half-way through the movie Sungjong can't concenrate anymore. His eyes feel heavy, as does his heart. Apparently he falls asleep for a while and when he wakes up minutes, hours later, Myungsoo is still there, resting beside him on the couch. Something about that makes him feel reassured and fractionally better. Even so he starts crying as he wraps his thin arm around Myungsoo's waist, pressing his body closer and burrying his head into the other one's back.

 

Day 3. Downpour.

He didn't quite like the way she twitched every time he stuttered, raising head from letters on the keyboard and paying full attention to him instead. _You're stuttering, might as well be you're making this up_ , the look she gave him could have said. Or it might have been _look at the stuttering, I'll have to send him to an asylum for this_. Sungjong wasn't sure which of the options he'd prefer.

It was the morning of a third sleepless night when Myungsoo was still there, even though he ought to be at work for good few hours. Sungjong spent the night tossing around on the narrow space of a couch occupied by two bodies, crying and kicking in anger, the blanket mostly but once Myungsoo became his target as well (it did not wake him up).

Even though he was late to work, Myungsoo sat down with him, a fragile shell with swollen cheeks and signs of worsening complexion. "You should see a doctor."

At first Sungjong took it as an offense. _You're not good enough to cope with this yourself_ , was what it felt like Myungsoo was saying. Sitting at the psychiatrist's, his opinion didn't change much, only the anger was accompanied by regret now. _I shouldn't have come here_.

"I will prescribe you sleeping pills for now and we'll send you to tests to alter your medication later," the doctor said after her fingers stopped running over the keyboard almost furiously.

The weather that day accompanied Sungjong's mood perfectly. The sky was all dark and cloudy, promising rain. The queue at the pharmacy seemed to go on forever and when he finally moved forward his cellphone rang.

"Yah!" exclaimed the caller. "Are you still alive?"

"Barely," Sungjong replied indifferently. "I'm in a shop. I'll call you later, ok?"

"You don't have time for me, you didn't even remember yesterday. What great friend you are, Lee Sungjong," said the voice offendedly, ending the call with that.

 _What a great friend you are, Lee Sungyeol. Not even knowing how I feel right now_. Sungjong's mood dropped down another level, just when he thought that's not quite possible.

 

"I'm sorry." As always, Sungjong is the first one to apologize. He sits on the couch, staring into his diary and onto the _Lee Sungyeol's birthday_ written all over August 27th, which happened to be yesterday.

"It's okay," Sungyeol says over the phone but it doesn't sound much truthfully.

Sungjong sighs. "I've been going through a hard time, you know. Been to a psychiatrist today." Then he proceeds to summarize the past three days, being surprised over the fact it's really been just three days and not half a century.

"I... I hope you'll be okay," concludes Sungyeol and this time it sounds sincerely enough.

With Sungyeol there's always been the problem that it just felt he's not there sometimes. Not like a real friend should be. Only Sungjong knew he is, just that the older boy can't express it well. Sungyeol cared, like Myungsoo did. Only the latter expressed it more often than not.

 

The pills soothe his heart and mind, breath becoming more shallow and heartbeat less rapid or just less perceived by his brain. Yet Sungjong wakes up in the dead of the night, Myungsoo snoring loudly on the other side of the quite large bed.

"Myungsoo. MYUNGSOO." The second time, ensued by a nudge, finally stops the snorting and wakes him up.

"Pills don't help?"

Sungjong shakes his head. "They did but I woke up and," he shivers, "I feel horrible again. It feels as if it's raining all the time now. It's raining too much, Soo- _hyung_."

 

Day 4. Rain showers, partly sunny.

Subway was too crouded, the streets as well and Sungyeol was too loud as usual, making Sungjong regret ever deciding to go out with him. They found their way out of the little shopping maze that Myeongdong was and continued through a less crowded street.

"-and they all ended up throwing the cake at each other. Honestly I didn't know if I should laugh or cry over such a waste. It was very tasty, with the coffee flavour and vanilla icing and all," Sungyeol waxed lyrical about his birthday celebration, leaving no room for a response of any sort.

Sungjong was glad though, any attempts at a response of his were desperately lame.

"You should have been there," he concluded, glancing at Sungjong. "How are you?"

 _How am I_? Sungjong asked himself, doubtful. "Coping with it, I guess."

They didn't talk about it much more and maybe it was for the better. When they got out of the bus on a busy street just a few meters from the university they used to attend together, Sungyeol waved him goodbye, leaving in that direction.

At that moment Sungjong wished he could join him and pretend they're on their way to school, to another dull day dozing off at classes. Only Sungyeol is out of school for quite some time now while Sungjong still has a week left till he continues his last year there. Somehow he believes going to school will help. _Daily routine will set it all straight_ , he decides.

Sungjong's spacious apartment isn't far from there, just around a few corners from the station and behind one of those corners Myungsoo is waiting for him.

" _Hyung_ , what are you doing here?"

"Surprising you," Myungsoo smiles and hands him a gift wrapped in a Christmas paper.

Sungjong frowns at the wrapping. "It's summer," he points out but takes the oddly long present and reveals an umbrella printed with bright yellow suns and sky-blue clouds.

"It's an umbrella," explains Myungsoo quite needlessly. "You said it was raining too much, so it's to protect you from the rain. And drive away the rain and make it sunny like this, perhaps."

His eyes fill with tears and Sungjong spreads the umbrella and hides beneath it before anyone can notice. Myungsoo comes under it a second later though, staring at him, his watery eyes and all. He plants a kiss on Sungjong's cheek and lips, embracing him.

They stand there under the sunny umbrella, Sungjong cries and smiles at the same time and it feels as if the magic umbrella is working after all.

 

Day 5. Partly sunny.

Sungjong wakes up and it feels satisfying. Not the bursting with happiness satisfying, but satisfying enough nevertheless. Half a century ago when his sleeping pattern was still quite all right, Sungjong loved falling asleep. It always took him longer, but he enjoyed using that time right before his mind turned off. Using it to create stories in his head, plots and scenarios cut out off movies and books, with him as the hero. He smiled bitterly remembering that. Now it was the waking up he loved the most, especially if it was a sweet one like today.

 _I slept over 6 hours, that's definitely an improvement_ , Sungjong admits and smiles at the umbrella hanging on the door to his bedroom.

"It would work even better if used properly," Myungsoo observes as he eyes the umbrella later that day.

"And how does one use a magic umbrella properly?" wonders Sungjong.

"Well...," Myungsoo pauses, eyes meeting Sungjong's and his lips stretching in a smile. "You should put it the other side up for starter. And then there's this thing about magic umbrellas. If you stand beneath it with another person, you have to kiss him."

"Isn't that mistletoe?" Sungjong laughs out as he's being pulled closer to the door.

Myungsoo plants a kiss on Sungjong's lips, gently. "Magic umbrella kisses are more... magical though." The kiss turns out deeper and longer this time and Myungsoo's hands go caressing the younger one's back, trailing the curvy line and going more down.

The atmosphere is going where Sungjong doesn't want it to go. He breaks free, smiling apologetically. "I'm sorry, I can't. I..." He wants to explain but it's hard. Reasoning out just doesn't work with feelings sometimes, Sungjong perceives.

 

Day 6. Mostly sunny.

There's a light nutmeg smell about the room and it makes him feel as if he's entered a bakery instead of a doctor's office. It does have a sort of a calming effect, though. And as Sungjong ponders over the questions and circles answers, his head feels strangely light. The weird part are the blobs of watercolours that are suppossed to remind him of something. As much as he believed to be a creative kid, this turns out to be harder than he'd imagine.

In the end he has no idea how can the doctor figure out diagnosis out of his perception of artistic shapes and people's faces he was suppossed to declare likeable or not.

"There was a face looking like you," Sungjong tells Myungsoo when he laughs over his narration.

"What did you declare it?"

Sungjong considers it and then says, jokingly: "Likeable but there's something sly about it."

"Is there?" Myungsoo wonders, smile playing upon his lips.

"Yes." The face he's looking at reflects more affection and care than cunning however, yet he continues the play. "So I stared at it a bit longer and then changed my opinion and put it into the unlikeable faces category."

"That's mean," says Myungsoo and pretends to be hurt.

They fall sleep side by side that evening, again. Myungsoo tosses and throws his limbs all over Sungjong during the night, but the younger boy doesn't mind.

Day 7. Sunny.

Sungjong rearranges the shelf, placing the box right in the middle and making enough space around so that it's easily visible. There's his name on it and another word beneath. _Anxiety-depressive disorder_ , it states.

Myungsoo came up with that idea. "It's a box of that part of you which you'd like to throw away," he declared as he handed him the box. "But you can't throw it away, not now. It's going to be here and you have to live with it even if it's ugly and you don't want to look at it anymore. But it's just an ugly box that will be thrown away some day and when you look at it you should imagine that day."

"You're better than my psychiatrist," Sungjong decides. "You should become one."

"A psychiatrist?" Myungsoo considers it for a while. "Taking photos is better. You don't have to get close to the people you'd better not get close to."

"You did want to get close to me though." A smile spreads on his face and Sungjong pecks his forehead. "Thank you. And sorry, for being such a bad boyfriend these past days."

"Well you should make up for that," Myungsoo nods, pretending to be serious. "One day, when I'm being a _bad boyfriend_ and you're taking care of me, that will be enough. If you want to make up for it right now I won't say no to making out or better-"

"You-" Laughing out loud, Sungjong slaps him lightly just for fun. It feels good to laugh.


End file.
